Wednesday, July 23, 2008

down by the bay

i have a weird rash under my eyes that's driving me crazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
i can only listen to spiritualized today
i used encaustic today
im so dirty i havent even looked nice in like 3 days
i'm going to new york in a couple. yup.
i totally hate myself today
i think grant is really fucking hot i'm sorry but i did the boy some good by leaving him he is way better now
i hate boys so much they are so fucking stupid and a waste of time and when i say i won't fuck you they don't think i'm serious

ummmmmmmmmmmm i don't have a job anymore hurray

i am not a worthless piece of shit
i don't have to sell my soul he's already in me

if i was a boy this would be a lot easier. i don't feel like i'm a good girl at all but i love dick so i'm definitely not meant to be a uhh whatdya call em transgender or something, naw i was just a tomboy and probably will always be a tomboy except...

i'm so sick of caring about money
i'm fucking twenty. that is good and that is bad...at least i can call people old....

i think i need a new haircut or something

i definitely need new bras and panties, pretty shit. why can't people just give me money to be me? it'll all be worth it in the end.

fuck you



Tuesday, July 22, 2008

lester bangs settin' it str8






"Unlike the many asininely obfuscating album jackets of the lamer latter years, when groups started forgetting to put any kind of information on the back except maybe song titles and some phony Kodachrome nature study which would have them passing around a dying redwood or something, Count Five's first eruption was on its backside just packed with all the essential info. Like the names, nicknames, instruments played, and ages (the oldest were nineteen) of everybody in the band."

Monday, July 21, 2008

something that's been on my mind

my review of the dark knight

it's fucking badass and this...




yeah, duh, yin yangs are gay and shit but if you got the movie then you'll get this.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

spiritualized wisdom

I think i'm in love
Probably just hungry
I think i'm your friend
Probably just lonely
I think you got me in a spin now
Probably just turning
I think i'm a fool for you babe
Probably just yearning
I think I can rock and roll
Probably just twisting
I think I wanna tell the world
Probably ain't listening


I think I can fly
Probably just falling
I think i'm the life and soul
Probably just snorting
I think I can hit the mark
Probably just aiming
I think my name is on your lips
Probably complaining
I think I have caught it bad
Probably contagious
I think i'm a winner baby
Probably Las Vegas


I think i'm alive
Probably just breathing
I think you stole my heart now baby
Probably just thieving
I think i'm on fire
Probably just smoking
I think that you're my dream girl
Probably just dreaming
I think i'm the best babe
Probably like all the rest
I think that I could be your man
Probably just think you can


I think i'm in love

last night

from what i remember, or what i choose to remember about last night i was fucking mess.

let's just put it out there:
1. i fell off of the platform where i was dancing with jill, almost onto the ground but a security guard ran up and caught me.
2. i did not realize it, but my skirt ripped up to the middle of my ass and i continued to dance until my sister ran up to me and told me that my ass was hanging out. jesus christ. she was smart and told me to move the rip to the front which saved what was left of my dignity.
3. we go to speakeasy and decide to dance on the pillowed benches and as i get up i spill a whole tray of drinks over, including the whiskey and soda jill had just bought for me...

i guess that means last night was fun? we got free drinks all night, the good shit with champagne to top it all off and we seriously got the party started two places.

i looked really fucking good as did Jill. something that has to be said.

but i'm at work and trying to deal with the fact i was fucked up last night and had to get this all out to clear my head.

yeah.

Friday, July 18, 2008

last night

last night was probably too incredible. so great that it hasn't set in yet. we went to Beauty Bar and uhhh waited for shit to start happening. And I can't really remember all of it in detail I just remember talking to Keenan, smoking a cigarette in the photo booth by myself, drinking lone star, one dos equis, one free lone star, i guess that's it, but anyway we met some Brazilians that were amazing. I didn't even realize they were going to be so great. Somehow we like telepathically understood each other and even when i left we met up at the end of the night and all went back to one of the dude's places off Stassney and 1st. There was music and art and creativity everywhere and no microwave and a cool backyard, a nice couch. Lots of stuff. I remember jamming with one of the dudes, him on guitar me on the fuckin' tambourine and it went on for what seemed to be too long but when i looked up at him he smiled and that assured me that i was doing the right thing, even though i did not get to showcase all of my tambourine playing expertise.

we all took shots of something called Mescal, which he said came from the agave plant and was somehow related to mescaline. monica wasn't sure at first but i told her it would be okay and never say never and all that shit. we cheers-ed then drank up and chased it with some lime. it was a super cute moment. i hope i will always remember that. i wish i could remember more. i guess i passed out on the couch all tuckered out from the tambourine and when i opened my eye all cautious in the morning one of the guys saw me and came over and asked if i was okay then put a blanket on me. so fucking nice. i don't understand how people can be so nice. they were the greatest hosts on the planet i have never had anyone show me such a good time. oh yeah and we smoked a spliff which was fucking cool because the only other person i remember smoking spliffs with was Wynn and I happen to be a fan of the spliff myself, even though most everyone else i know doesn't even know what that is or just doesn't get it. whatever.

monica got downnnnn with this one dude and she said he was the most passionate person she's ever been with. in retrospect i think i was completely blown away by the way they were, it's like what some Americans become if they smoke enough weed and have enough sense to stop watching TV and these Brazilians just already do that because everywhere else in the world isn't retarded, yet for some reason they wanted to be in Austin, TX..strange huh?

also the dj at beauty bar sucked of course. a bunch of idiots bobbing up and down behind laptops even though there was only one of them playing music. HEY FAGS STOP PLAYING TECHNO NO ONE LIKES IT AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT TO DANCE.

i guess that's it... oh wait...and in the morning when we were leaving in true monica style, she realizes she left her phone at the house and so i get some tacos and we drive back and they are all gone, but we go through the back way and look around everywhere. we started to notice all these cute little things like how they only drink beer in bottles, they buy good alcohol, they have a whole room for painting, shit like that. and i brushed my teeth with the dudes toothbrush and used their mouthwash and then we left a note for them and found her phone and left, oh and i grabbed a couple of shotgun shells from the back cos they look cool.

it's nights like that that make the days so horrible.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

today 7-17

today fucking sucked.

i'm not for free.

leave me alone. everyone. from now on if i choose to talk to you you should feel privileged.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

everybody can go to hell

i don't know what was up today but i felt like i was surrounded by haters everywhere i went. except the library, people were nice there.

aside from that today sucked. i really liked my outfit which made it all bearable.

it's my mom's birthday.

my future isn't turning out the way i want it to.

michelle came and got a haircut at my work which turned out really good.

i want to isolate myself.

i am hypersensitive and all website i've looked at see it in a negative light but try to cover it up by saying it's sort of good. i told my dad and he told me to stop doing drugs and to not be a hypochondriac.

i've been thinking about someone it will never work out with that isn't even in town. not like i want someone i just want some nice lips to kiss and a nice voice to talk to.

i'm a nerd. not even the good kind. and all the things i say will never amount to anything because i'm just a girl and my thoughts aren't as good as a man's thoughts.

being single is like a disease or something. it's changing me into this weird person. it's so easy to stop caring about me and start caring about meeting people even though there's no one out there to meet.

i hate going to school but i'm too big of a pussy to quit now. and why the hell not finish? i'm close to being done and i'm not gonna try. being smart is a curse.

sometimes i feel like jesus sometimes i feel worthless.
i'm sick of everyone. i'm ready to leave. but i can't even go out by myself.
i hate being 20. i feel young now. i'm too young. i'm immature. god damn you peter johansen.

Monday, July 14, 2008

7-14-08

today i went to class and let Bianca take my car to Hobby Lobby so she could buy a bead loom. class was all right, seems like it's going to require too much effort. dropped B off, picked up Kristin before finding out that I need new tires and I disrespect property like no one else on earth. came home had some OC with my sis and some sushi. chilled, did important things i'm sure then she bought me a tire (that's love) and i took her home. i read my dad's script and added my comments while watching a bunch of girls and dudes do yoga at Ruta Maya. i drove home and ate then danced around in my room and fell deeply in love with myself for a good two hours. i wanted to be a stripper but after looking into it...specifically this website which proved to be very informative, i decided that stripping was not for me and i should probably shoot for the position of go-go dancer. i really like dressing up and once i get money i will probably spend lots of it on little costumes and La Perla.

i wish people would ask me interesting questions. i wish i didn't have to talk to anyone at all.